i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
