Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
