What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
