He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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