Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize