i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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