Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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