Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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