I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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