Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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