so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
