go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
