you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
