the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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