I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
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