Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I need to stop coming to work sober
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
