Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
