you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
