I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
