i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
