Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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