Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize