Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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