So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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