I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize