When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Randomize
