You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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