Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
