Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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