I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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