Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
