Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
