the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
