Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
