Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
