My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
