Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
