You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
