You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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