he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
