she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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