you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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