My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
