Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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