My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize