dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
