Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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