I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
