I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
