Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
