so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
