How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
