I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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