So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
