Your face is a jimmy john
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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