Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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