my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
