Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
All the doctor said was why
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
