I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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