Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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