The maid of honor just puked.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
