how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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