I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
