soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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