he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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